I can’t get enough of Brooke Fraser’s “Shadowfeet.”  Seriously, I could listen to it over and over again- but I force myself not to so I won’t fall out of love with it.

Here’s the thing.  It reminds me of the hard times I’ve gone through in life.  Watching Mom go through cancer the first time.  Standing by friends as they lost loved ones.  Going through a very confusing time in college with boys, degrees, and how to get out alive.  Learning Mom had cancer again.  Helping care for her in her last years.  And then finally, letting her go when it was time to.

There were really hard times.  Life is like that.  And that is what brings me to “Shadowfeet.”  When I was dealing with the emotions of realizing that mom would not get better from her last bout with cancer, I felt as though everything I believed about God was not just being called into question- it was being tried by fire.  Ultimately, I felt like God allowed me to go through something that stripped everything else away apart from Him.  And the cry of my heart through it all was that no matter how weak my faith grew, no matter how angry I felt at God, no matter how little strength I felt like I had, I would always be found in Christ.  No matter how feeble my grip, I would still be found standing for Him when it all was said and done.

And that’s why I love the song.  It just reminds me of a time when the world around me felt very shaky.  I didn’t feel God in a huge way much of the time.  I felt exhausted.  But I never let go, and I never will.  I came away from losing my mom with a very humbled faith in God.

In the hospital room my mom spent her last days in, Chris and I sat praying silently for her.  She actually heard Chris’s prayer, though he wasn’t praying out loud.  He prayed, “Lord, I need to know you are here with us.  Are you here?”  And my mom (who was practically in a coma) said “Of course He is.”  And again, later Chris prayed silently, “Lord, is it time for her to go?” to which my unconscious mother said, “Only Jesus knows that.”

I didn’t understand what my mom was talking about until later when Chris told me what he had been praying about.  It was amazing.  And so when I hear this song, especially during Christmas, I pray that all who read this may have some encounter with Christ this holiday season.  Go listen to Shadowfeet if you’ve never heard it.